Thursday, October 20, 2011

Herald in the Fall

I put the turn-out sheets on the horses for the first time since taking them off last spring. I must have taken them off some time last April but I honestly don't remember. Everything before breaking my leg in May is such a blur that I didn't even realize I had turn-out sheets left.

The Spotted Beast is notoriously bad about maintaining his clothing in one piece. Like a young child he'd rather have fun and tear all his clothing to shreds then behave as the High Queen does.  So I believed until a couple of weeks ago that I needed to purchase blankets to replace what Cowboy had destroyed.  I was even combing the net for the best deals. I scanned through all the tack sites, kept an eye on Tack of the Day, and browsed eBay.

Then I needed something out of the hay shed, and an old muck bucket that I had passed by a dozen times to get hay caught my eye and I found the sheets that I must have put away last spring. Well that's one thing off my mind.

So while feeding my four foots tonight, its always easier to blanket while they are eating, I slipped the blankets on. It felt bitter sweet. My whole summer had been spent not walking, then relearning, I'm still struggling. How could something that happened so quick take so long to heal? My leg will never be the same, so sayeth my surgeon.  I will always have hardware in my leg(I sort of wonder if I will make the metal detectors at the airport go off), and I don't know if I will be able to ride again the way I used to.

Will I be able to handle the strain of jumping? Will I have to give up eventing in favor of straight dressage?  Will I ever be able to fly over the cross country course again? Right now I don't know, and it hurts to not know.

Riding right now is not comfortable, I had to let my right stirrup(the injured side) out another to holes to make it possible for me to even think about staying the saddle without crying.  I had planned to trailer out(now that I can get the Queen in to the trailer) to lessons, and indoor arena's this winter so we both could be fit by spring, but if I can get my leg to tolerate it I don't know where I will be by spring with my riding.

Then there are other things invading my mind that make everything else blurry.  Bills for one, they never end.  And my Dad. He's not doing well.  After the second surgery the results came back, and then it got even worse. At first they were just going to take his bladder but now its that and chemotherapy, and a bone scan to see if the cancer has spread.

It feels hard, and dark and too much like I should be shopping for  a black dress that I don't own. I am the world's best pessimist.  Usually my way of dealing is to ignore things until the bad thing goes away. It usually works, but I can't ignore this, I can't hide from it. My dad might be dying and I can't do anything about it.

This year has truly sucked. Let's hope next year will be better.

Keep it between the flags everybody because it's too crazy outside of them.

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